Refractory
by Takira
Summary: Kamui introspective, waking in a hospital bed to a very familiar sound...


* * *

_...beep..._

That's one--that's the first one I can register, and the darkness shivers around me, trying to take form once more. I don't want it to, but I don't know how long it's had to wait for me to regain semi-consciousness, just to barrage me with these images. Maybe it's meant to wake me.

_...beep..._

I don't want to remember. I don't want to know what happened, I already know what happened--I fucked up again and landed myself in the hospital with the same gods-damned machine that's broken my sleep every time I've done this. I don't want to see the specifics. I don't want to know who I let down this time, who died, who lost their loved ones...

_...beep..._

...I know I said something I shouldn't have. I know by now what form that punishment takes, but I still don't know the word or phrase that sets him off. This time it was something about the coat he was wearing. He didn't used to wear a trenchcoat, and I know who he stole, and I know what mattered to that person. It could have been coincidence...maybe it was. Maybe that's why got irritated when I mentioned it.

_...beep..._

Subaru was there. He didn't fight. He didn't say anything. He didn't look up, even when I started screaming at him. I don't know why I did. Maybe I just wanted confirmation--not that he'd switched, but that he didn't care. I know he doesn't care...not about anything that's still alive. I tried to make him, I really did. I tried all that I knew that he'd done for me. I listened, I talked, I touched and knelt at his feet and apologized for the high crime of having wanted him alive...and he left.

_...beep..._

So...that makes three, now. Fuuma, Kotori, Subaru--every thing I want to protect dies or turns away from me. That's probably not a good track record for the supposed savior of the world. If I actually cared about the world, who knows what would be left of it. That's funny...really it is. I try to laugh and almost black out again, which is a real shame because I'd been aiming to go all the way, but it's hard to laugh when you can't breathe. My head's swimming with all the drugs I know they've given me, and it doesn't do a damned thing for the pain.

_...beep..._

I'm going to smash that machine. I don't need it beeping to remind me that I'm still alive; against all odds, I'm alive, even as everyone around me is dying. At the rate things are going, I'll be the last thing alive on earth. I don't need to be reminded, I don't want to be reminded, and I can only put it off as long as I'm still half-dead. The moment I open my eyes they'll all be around me, watching me like they have since the moment I entered this damned city--since, after all, I'm the stuff of long-known prophecies. You'd think someone would've thought to inform me. Even a little postcard by way of notification sometime before I got here would have been nice, but I suppose being stalked by a walking freak show is just as effective in its own way.

_...beep..._

...I know now what I am; it's difficult to ignore. It would be a little easier to swallow if it hadn't been Hinoto who revealed all this stuff about destiny. Somehow, when one of the dragons of earth made an illusion, it was called a maraboshi--but when Hinoto does it, it's a dreamscape, and that sounds a lot prettier. They aren't pretty, the things she shows me or the prophecies she keeps repeating in that bizarre little mind-voice of hers.

Did I say prophecies? I meant lies. Not all of them, no--but then, what way would I have of knowing? The other dragons of heaven trust her implicitly, but they thought I was going to be the answer to their prayers, too, and...well. Look where that got them.

The only exception so far has been Inuki, in his two incarnations. When I first met him, I let him sniff my hand--that's what you do with dogs, or so I'd understood--and he just...looked at me, like...

Like he was looking for something in me that just wasn't there.

...like he knew I wasn't what they needed.

_...beep..._

He's a puppy now, anyhow, and entirely too cute for what he is. The only time I've seen him be anything but cute is when they let him near Hinoto and he tried to bite her.

Another choked laugh and a coughing fit--settle, quiet, quiet...breathe...

I'm not saying that makes her a liar. It's just that nobody else seems to think of the fact that she might be something less than good and pure, and I...

I've only met one person that truly was both of those.

_...beep..._

I know I'm in no place to argue, and I'm not telling the others, but...she told me that I could save Kotori--that if I made the right decision, I could.

So did she lie...or am I doing such a miserable job as kamui of heaven

because I was meant to be kamui of earth?

...I try not to think about it too much.

_...beep..._

I mean, we're...different, after all--Subaru and I. I'm not free to do the things he did.

There's too much depending on me to risk it.

I can't do that to the others.

I just can't.

_...beep..._

...but...I do have to wonder, sometimes, if...

If I...followed him...

If I changed...

Would he...

Would we...I mean...

_...beep..._

...he wants to die, you know, I know he does.

He doesn't care

about the world, and he doesn't care

about me, and...I begin to doubt if he ever did.

...but...if.

_...beep..._

If I were that death...

Would you love me then, Subaru?

No...I don't think you would--but at least I...

...would have meant something to you.

_...beep..._

Fourteen beats of my heart, and I'm weeping again.

...I do forgive you. I think I understand.

What it feels...

...to have lost all that you loved.

_...beep..._

Wait for me, Subaru. Some day soon--

When at last I'm strong enough--

I shall give you your wish.

And that will be the end

_...beep..._

...for both of us.

One way or

another.

* * *


End file.
